Six Tips For When Divorcing a Narcissist

I came across this amazing article by Camille Boyer, Calgary Family Lawyer. It hit close to home and is too good not to share! Divorcing a narcissist is, by its nature, a high conflict situation and outside of what Paralegal Plus can assist with, however, Boyer presents great information and we have to give credit where credit is due. Thank you, Camille!

Even if you try to settle outside of court, divorcing a narcissist can be tough because the process can become highly conflictual. Many narcissistic personality cases wind up in expensive family court litigation. However, there are several tactics you may use to limit the amount of dispute and, as a result, the amount of money you spend getting your divorce finalised.

The DSM-5 defines narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) as a personality disorder with the following characteristics:

• a long-standing pattern of grandiose self-importance and an exaggerated sense of talent and accomplishments;

• fantasies of unlimited sex, power, brilliance, or beauty;

• an exhibitionistic need for attention and admiration; either cool indifference or feelings of rage, humiliation, or emptiness as a response to criticism, indifference, or defeat; and

• Various interpersonal disturbances, such as feeling entitled to special favours, taking advantage of others, and inability to empathize with the feelings of others

While a formal NPD diagnosis is not always evident, family lawyers and the courts commonly encounter individuals who exhibit narcissistic tendencies or behaviours, which are frequently worsened after divorce. Even if a former spouse does not match the criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder, their behaviour throughout the separation period may be profoundly narcissistic. These splits are extremely difficult since they frequently result in greater litigation and significant conflict. Divorce can be significantly more unpleasant or even tragic when children are involved.

Practicing family law entails dealing with people who have narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) or who exhibit narcissistic behaviours on a daily basis. When it comes to divorcing a narcissist, here are six helpful hints:

Keep a Record of Everything

Narcissists appear to have no problem twisting the truth to fit their own story. When divorcing a narcissist, you may be subjected to deception, falsehoods, or ridiculous accusations. Narcissists are frequently superficially appealing and excellent liars, which adds to the credibility of the charges and accusations. Documentation and proof will be your best defence against a narcissist's story. For instance, the narcissist may say that he or she has always been responsible for a child's care, or that the other parent has never helped with childcare. The statement alone can be highly persuasive, especially when combined with the narcissist's flare for theatrics. Documentation such as daycare pick-up/drop-off logs, text messages, and calendars, on the other hand, can show the truth and unravel the narcissist's story. In order to defend against them, you must poke holes in their story and question their trustworthiness.

Set Some Limits

Because of their inability to empathise, narcissists will ruthlessly pursue their own agenda, with no regard for the needs or feelings of others. Setting boundaries with a narcissist entails articulating what is expected and suitable in a firm and unambiguous manner. A narcissist, for example, may text or call their ex continuously, expecting responses to insignificant or irrelevant requests. In order to keep the peace, this ex may agree to these requests, allowing the narcissist to invade their lives and privacy even further. Setting a boundary could mean replying to only the most important messages or waiting 24 hours before responding to multiple messages. A narcissist, for example, may withhold a child at will or arrive late for pick-ups. When parenting with a narcissist, establishing a boundary generally necessitates a thorough parenting Order that specifies parenting schedules and communication.

Maintain Your Boundaries

Unfortunately, most narcissists will rebel against any restrictions placed on them. Unless it suits them in some way, they often have little regard for rules and authority. In extreme circumstances, narcissists may even violate court orders on a regular basis. It is critical that the narcissist is held accountable in these situations. While dealing with a narcissistic ex is naturally difficult, it's critical to maintain solid limits. Otherwise, the narcissist will likely believe they can do whatever they want without consequence. Frequently, these behaviours begin with little or 'petty' boundary violations. If the narcissist is not restrained, he or she will continue to push forward without concern for others. You can't even give them a millimetre.

Keep Your Cool

Narcissists' relationships are frequently sympathetic and sensitive. This might manifest as emotional, reactive, or unreasonable while in distress or under pressure. This dynamic is all too common in family law, when the seductive and deceptive ex-spouse elicits an emotional response that only serves to amplify the narcissist's story. Keeping your cool is crucial to surviving the procedure.

Seek Help

Divorce is one of the most difficult life experiences a person can go through. The isolation and low self-esteem that a former partner of a narcissist may be coping with only adds to the shame or guilt a person feels when going through a divorce. To get through the divorce, you'll need to find a counselor, therapist, or even a close friend or family member to lean on.

Accept Your Current Position For What It Is

Divorcing a narcissist will be difficult and unpleasant. This is a painful process that is typically protracted, drawn-out, and unpleasant. Accepting this fact and being prepared for it may make the process easier to handle. When dealing with a narcissist, a strong legal strategy is sometimes essential, but it is often not the best method because it emboldens and angers them. The best defense against a narcissist is to have a lawyer who is calm, strategic, competent, and structured.

Divorce or separation from a narcissist can be extremely tough, and you must approach your case with caution. If you're thinking of divorcing a narcissist or are already divorced, we strongly advise you to obtain legal guidance from a family lawyer who has expertise with high-conflict divorces.

[Via: Crossroads Family Lawyers Blog]